“I am an Idiot (at times)” by P.C.A.W.

As a small child at school, I was the last person on the “crack the whip” chain. Needless to say, I lost my grip and went flying. My left elbow and shoulder suddenly screamed at me. Movement hurt! A trip to the doctor’s office sent me on to the hospital for x-rays. As it turned out, nothing was broken, just severely sprained. I am such an idiot to play a game that can injure a person.
In the late ’70’s or early ’80’s the extreme idiocy bug bit again. I was at my mother’s and I was holding two frozen hamburger patties in my left hand. Using a sharp knife, I was prying the two ‘burgs apart, when, you guessed it, the ‘burgs let go of each other and the knife slashed down and buried itself in my palm just above my wrist. With very little blood gushing forth, the undeniable pain soon followed as the shock wore away. Back to the doctor’s for stitches. What in the world possessed you to separate frozen hamburgers in that manner? You stupid idiot!
Father’s Day, 1982. I was riding my bicycle home from church and disaster from the idiot bug struck again. I remember thinking I should do a corner to corner cross, but no-o-o-o, I just couldn’t do that. The bicycle is classified as a vehicle, and I was supposed to obey the rules of the road. Therefore, I could make a left turn just like any other car. A pickup truck, which should have stopped for the yellow turning red light, and I tried to occupy the same spot on the street at the same time. Truck won, killed my bicycle, put me in the hospital for five and a half weeks. I am lucky to be alive and walking. Next time, idiot, listen to what you are telling yourself.
Once again, in the spring of 2003, idiocy re-strikes! I didn’t listen to myself–change your shoes before you leave the apartment. Directly across from the building, I stepped on a stone which pitched me off my sandal. I tried to catch my balance, but, alas, I fell forward with my nose leading. I swiftly turned my head. My glasses connected with the street and extended my already present scar in the right eyebrow, although at the time I did not know this. Two ambulances arrived! I was asked if I had been drinking. Why? What makes you think I’ve been drinking? I did not know I had landed in broken beer bottles. Back to the hospital for more stitches. The doctor, seeing the old scar, remarked, “It looks like you have done this before.” I found it difficult to leave the black eye at home when I went to work the next day.
In January 2006, I arrived at work and couldn’t find my keys in my coat pocket to get into the office. Caught the bus home, only to discover I did not have my front door key to get in. Therefore, I did not have the apartment key because both keys were on the same key-ring. Woke up my son to admit me to the building. Inside the apartment, I picked up my house keys from where I had left them sitting on the table by the door. Racing through the apartment looking for my office keys, I happened to catch my reflection in the mirror. You stupid idiot! They are hanging around your neck!!
Can I be any more of an accident-prone idiot? No wait! Don’t answer that.

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