“Final Cut” by Alan David Ross

I will always remember the absolute desperation of the two protagonists Thelma and Louise.  They were hounded by the relentless machinations of the norm, law and order.  Our lovable yet hapless heroes bound up by fate in its fickle kind of wickedness, clutched in an unyielding grasp.  Nothing to do but forge ahead into the dreaded future…fearing the disastrous past even more.  The unparalleled emotion that we felt, watching as the vehicle rockets towards the edge of the cliff.  Your breath catches in your throat as the car–now well beyond the point of no return–launches itself into the air…but now freeze frame, as the iconic machine and its tragic crew hang suspended in time and space.  No retreat, no surrender and no prisoners.  Who amongst us cannot remember that final scene the intended victims of the chase, forever affixed between heaven and hell.   The law of gravity has been repealed and curfew shall not be enforced.  Actions in real life however must take a tariff into account and pay concise duties, whatever goes up in this world must come back down.

Being clean for two years may mean that you are down, but you sure as hell are not back.  Getting back might take years, it also may never happen.  Wondering aimlessly amongst cold strangers and even colder abodes is detrimental but you acclimatize.  You have to.  It follows then, at least according to Hoyle, that mingling with family will be a snap.  Visiting old familiar places filled with people you have known all your life through the good times and before the bad… easy as falling from a log.  Sadly though, it doesn’t work that way.  Thomas Wolfe once wrote…”You can never go home”; I have wondered for years about what he meant.  I think that I understand now.  When you leave home you take home with you, in your heart and in your mind…if your absence is prolonged and not exactly to your liking it can and will change you.  Whomever and whatever you had left behind at the onset of your journey, remains static…then you come back to your point of origin…greatly changed and yet wanting so much to reboot your status as a family member.  But we used to all talk in English, now you guys are speaking Greek.   Nothing is clear, it couldn’t be less clear, I could not feel more alien if I had two heads.  No matter how long it takes though, I will keep trying it on till it fits.  Going back to that other life to find solace is not an option.  I had to go to that place in order to get to this one.  Being clean does give me an uncomfortable feeling of fragility, but it has also given me empowerment.  None of us have complete control of our future so we must be resolute about affecting the days ahead positively and know that we at least tried.  Whether your efforts are fruitful or are unrequited is not the main issue.  Laying down and licking dirt may not get you beaten up but it can make for a difficult shave if you can’t look yourself in the mirror.  Self-medicating a pain that you didn’t have in the first place, is terribly odd.  Using any substance that you can get in order to keep the sickness at bay does make sense, when you are living in a petri dish.  How you came to be in that awful place is irrelevant…what is pertinent is getting the f*%# out…back to reality and being solid again, now and for the rest of your life.


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